Let Me, Entertain You.

Entertain Me!

There are over 400 channels on my satellite television home entertainment system, and I became bored with Internet poker (even though I won $25,000 in a series of inter-related Freerolls in February of 2009) and video games. I have a 52 inch LCD HD TV from Philips, with a decent 7.1 channel stereo, BluRay player and internet connectivity. The problem is that there is usually still NOTHING ON TV worth watching. Sure, there’s always reruns of Jersey Shore, but once you get tired of seeing Snooky’s overly pixellated snookie, and marathon showings of Storage Wars, Pig Farmers in Love, CSI Boise and Law and Order, CSILMNOP, you kind of get tired and look for something else to entertain yourself. So, what else is there to do on a Friday night?

Stop Monkeying Around, Young Man!

Bored? Try spanking your monkey!

Well, for starters, you could always get falling-down drunk and start drunk-dialing your exes, your boss and your friends, telling them all how much you love them (I love you, man!) before asking them why they ruined your life. Or, you could read my blogs!

Wait! There’s more!

Well, actually, not much. If you’ve read any of my blogs, then you must know by now that my brain works in funny ways. And no, not ha! ha! funny either.

But, if you really want to be entertained, to be wowed, awed and shocked, you could go to the Zoo. Zoos are fun, and you can meet a lot of really cool, funny and entertaining friends there. There’s even people there too! But, for my money, there’s nothing like a romp through the local drive-thru zoo. No,

this isn’t a lot like the Las Vegas version of a drive-thru. this is a zoo that you get to drive through. There are pens the size of small countries that house lions, tigers, rhinos and giraffes. And baboons. baboons of every age, romping around from tree to tree, tearing pieces off of cars and running down the road, holding their prize high in the air. I’ve lost antennae (plural), hub caps, trim, decals and even a front left quarter panel. You can come back the next day to claim your previously pilfered parts, which is a good thing because the guy at the NAPA auto parts store was starting to look funny at me (and looking funny to me, but that’s another blog altogether).

We were eating an orange while driving through the gates separating the giraffes and the baboons. I swear this to be true – a giraffe bent down, reached through my pick-up truck’s driver’s side window, reached right over in front of my body to my scared-out-of-her-panties girlfriend and started eating her orange out of her hand. Okay, I’ll admit we probably would have fit right in with a Jim Morrison reunion party, and that I was giggling like a 4-yr. old hyena, but that giraffe could have stood up and sent the entire truck flying. I scratched this wondrous creature behind his rather enormous ear, and petted his snout (mouth?). She seemed to like having her furry parts scratched (the giraffe), and when I started petting her between her eyes, we could almost feel her shudder. Still, a rather entertaining time, and it would have been so much more entertaining if she wouldn’t have dropped the camera on the floor during our first unannounced visitor (first? yes, read on!). But still, better than drunk-dialing your boss or taking pictures of your privates and posting them (the pictures!) on the Internet.

Fortunately, a park ranger came by and coaxed Gilly the giraffe out of my Toyota, and sent us on our merry, giggling way, stern warning uttered. Camera now in hand, our next stop was the lion’s den. In here, you aren’t allowed to take pictures of the cats when they are within 10 feet of your vehicle. And, if they happen to like you and stay on your hood for a nap, you can’t move your vehicle or hit your horn. Loud music is a ticket right out of the park. You guessed it, a huge male jumps up on the hood of my truck and proceeds to fall soundly asleep atop the heat of the grey hood. While waiting, amorously at times, for this beautiful  beast to head for more meaty endeavors, a few of his little ones found there way into the bed of the truck. 2 hours later, we were on our way again, and shortly afterwards found out first hand that a rhinoceros is a very, very fast animal! And, they get rather mad at grey trucks that look, to them from a distance, like a newcomer trying to infringe upon their territory.

Is There A Meaning to This?

Yes, as a matter of a fact, there is. Hey, slow down, now! Don’t get pushy… I’m typing as fast as I can!

As society gets more starved for entertainment, fast-food drive thru eateries have flourished yet drive-in movie theaters have gone the way of teenagers who wear form-fitting jeans. People flock to Las Vegas to lose money, virtue and virtually everything else they own. Double-down on life, you may just get lucky!If you find yourself a little on the bored side, go to a drive-thru zoo, you won’t ever forget it. Just please take a more strong willed passenger than I had with me that fine, sunny day (it’s okay, we broke up shortly after that visit to the Parc Safari African).

Still Looking to be Entertained?

Try getting a dog! They will entertain you well beyond the life-stage of the average American marriage.When you get a puppy younger than 2 months of age, just the smell of the animal will leave you contented and entertained for hours on end, and then there’s the hilarious things they do with underwear and shoes. But training them, and seeing how smart and entertaining they become with the proper training (NO PARLOR TRICKS, PLEASE!). Just teach them the necessary commands of stop, sit, lie down, come, heel, guard, attack and stand-down) is a level of entertainment not quite level with sex, but with the wrong partner (human) it (having a puppy) can even be better.

But if you happen to live close to a drive-thru zoo, you’re never short of entertainment. And if you live close to a drive-thru wedding chapel, keep your camera ready, you may just end up with a great retirement fund. Blackmail charges aside, it’s still gotta be better than a repeat marathon of Storage Wars on the telly.

Get To The Point, Already!

Now, if you were to go out and get a puppy, you could walk him and laugh ’till your stomach feels like it’s going to implode.You will not only be entertained, you will be loved, adored and protected.

Even though I applaud your willingness to stick around to see if I had a great point or not to this blog post, all I can really say at this point is that I hope, in some way or another, that I have entertained you for a minute or two. Some food for thought? As long as you’re happy, you don’t need any expensive gadgets and you don’t need to pay a cable or satellite company a couple of hundred bucks a month for 400 channels with nothing on, all in splendid high definition.

All you really need to be entertained is a dog (two is better, three is best), a friend or a lover. But ‘ya gotta admit that having a lover is a lot more entertaining than having a dog (at least, I hope so!).