The Ramblings of a Somewhat Unstable Mind

I Coulda Been A Star, Ma!

It’s like watching a train wreck. You just can’t look away, even though you know that what you’re about to lay witness to will more than likely (if there is any shred of humanity left in you, that is) make your stomach turn and yearn for the phone call to Ralph on the big white telephone. Yes, I’m talking about reality TV stars, mainly Dave Hestor and Alex Debogorski from Storage Wars and Ice Road Truckers, respectively (no respect intended, though).

Ralph, the big white telephone

You know that when you hear Dave start with his “yuuup” and “I’m so great, my competitors are all idiots and amateurs” and “everything I touch turns to gold” (actual quotes from the show), you will throw whatever is in your hand at the TV, and worry about replacing it tomorrow. Maybe from a pawnshop. When you hear Alex start with his brain curdling laughs, of which he is always the architect of the joke and the only one laughing, you cringe and wonder why they don’t show more reruns of The Brady Bunch instead. But you keep watching for the little guys. And the cute girls. Hmmm, Lisa in that big truck, so sexy!

Stop! Idiot!

Do the people that watch “Storage Wars” not realize that they are paying preposterous prices for whatever they buy when they shop at Dave Hestor’s pawn shop, second hand store or his new auction house? He says on the show that he’ll  list that $10 side table for $120 at his store, and he’s actually successful? Some people will do anything to get onto TV, which is evident with the number of people who show up at these auctions and never make one single bid. But to buy overpriced merchandise just to get close to one of TVs most obnoxious characters (I just can’t refer to this dork as a star) is about as low as Snooki would go. And, that’s real low.

Yuuup! Kill Me Now!

What’s wrong with people these days?


How does someone like Dave Hestor or Alex Devogorski become a TV star? How do they ever cash a paycheck from the bowels of Hollywood? Paris Hilton I could almost understand; the way I almost understood why Santa Clause could come into our highrise, 22nd floor apartment, or the way I could almost understand people saying that they were abducted by aliens and subjected to anal probes.

What’s with all the anal probe obsessions? Everyone who claims that they were abducted by aliens confesses to being probed anally. And, no, that’s not yearly! Could being “abducted by aliens” be code for “coming out of the closet”? For universal justice, why doesn’t Dave Hestor get abducted by aliens? Or, was he? Or, is he one of the abductors, sent here to annoy us to death so that when they do come to colonize Earth, there will be far fewer people here to fight against.

I tell you, there’s just no justice these days.

The All-American Case of Blind Justice

What’s wrong with people these days?

Am I Bad? A Sadist?

I don’t know about you, but I watch these shows hoping to see Dave take a major loss, like when he thought he had an original Stradivarius violin (it was, but it was a popular student model, worth a couple hundred bucks, a tad shy of the millions he was expecting and salivating about to the cameraman), or to hopefully see someone finally lose their tempers enough to plow him a few (won’t take much more than what he normally spews). I even hope to see Alex be the first driver to, on film, break through the ice and laugh all the way to the bottom of some frigid lake in northern Alaska.

Okay, I know. I’m a romantic.

When Dave dropped that valuable, intricate and ancient Chinese herb box getting out of his truck, telling the cameraman that he was sure it was invaluable, I almost whooped with pleasure!

Where am I going with this?

Funny you should ask. I was starting to winder that myself. I get that they might run a couple of marathon showings of a popular TV show, but showing every single episode, one after the other, 2 or 3 times a week? It’s become the Storage Unit equivalent of Law & Order. And now with Storage Wars Texas and Haulage Wars, Lady Hoggers, Wild Hoggers, Hog Diggitty Doggers, they’re getting out of control. Just like Kate Plus 8, or those horny little Duggars in 19 Kids and Counting, those randy little Little People and the out-of-control Gypsy Wedding shows, you would think that rock bottom had been found within the realm of reality TV…

Think Again

Yes, Virginia, we have no shoes. It seems that pedophilia is in fashion these days on the reality TV circuit. With the barfable (another new word! I’m telling you, I’ll have my own dictionary by 2013!) Toddlers and Tiaras, we see a bunch of out of shape and mostly very homely mothers with their kids, getting the wee ones ready for beauty pageants. From age 7 days to over 20 years, they strut their stuff like they were trying out for a photo shoot in Playboy. These parents torture their kids, turn them into miniature street walkers all in the hopes of winning a trophy, and maybe even a thousand bucks (if they finish first overall, over all age groups).

One night I was watching it with my ex, and there was a 23-year old Texas blonde bombshell registered, along with about 40 girls under 10. She was rather vacant, stupid, creepy. She won. 4-yr. old girls cried. She took home $3,000 and lost about $25,000 worth of dignity (she had just purchased $20,000 worth the previous week). She cried in victory (vacancy?). She even gave a thank you victory speech, telling the oh-so understanding children that they, too, could be a bimbo. If only they tried hard enough.

And the weiner is...

Dreams Can Come True!

You just have to be in the right place at the right time for your dream of being on TV to come true. Or, you could fill your house with garbage, bugs and buried, dead cats and be on Hoarders. Or, you could be extremely frugal, and if you are able to use coupons to buy $1500 worth of groceries and pay only $23 total, they will make a 1/2 hour show all about you on your coupon-fantastic shopping trip (much like a Captain Fantastic acid trip). In Canada, that $1500 shopping trip would, by the way, garner $225 in sales taxes, turning their $23 total into a $248 total – that’s why you’ll never see an Extreme Coupon Canada show.

But, if you live in the right city, have some time to spare and can hang out at storage unit auctions long enough, you too could be on TV! And if you do, I’ll pay you to kneecap Dave Hestor! I’ll double your money if you take out his vocal cords. Hey, you could even be a superhero, a congressional medal of honor winner for doing so – you would be saving your country!

Yes, America! Dreams still do come true. Just not mine about Dave catching a ride with Alex, and dropping down into the middle of Great Slave Lake (the biggest and deepest fresh water lake in North America that’s not part of the Great Lakes).

What’s wrong with people these days?

What’s wrong with me these days?

Too much wrong with society these days!

Comments on: "I Coulda Been A Star, Ma!" (8)

  1. I will never understand the fascination with television. Ever. Add a beauty pageant on television and my brain turns to goo.

  2. Aw, Red! You miss so much! Shows about nothing, hours upon hours of the same show over and over again! It’s mind dumbing… (another new word! I’m on a roll!) The problem with that Beauty Pageant show is that they make their 4 yr old kids look like 16 yr old street walkers – the kids even wiggle their bottoms (at their mother’s and even father’s urging) and blow sultry kisses to the judges… ewww indeed!

  3. Marc, it’s called entertaining a jaded audience with the exploitation of children. The ‘mothers’ are trying to re-live their childhood at the expense of their little girls.
    ‘Teletrash ‘ and ‘Bimbomums’ might be a good addition to your new reactionary quacktionary. Just make a note that you heard those objections to literary emancipation here first.

    • Raymond, are you calling me a quack?

      Thanks for the visit! I get annoyed at some people on some of those shows, but the moms and especially the dads that get their 5-yr old kids to dress up like Central Park hookers just turn my stomach. Make you wonder about that Jon Bonnet Ramsey.

  4. We should as a nation (whichever nation) be fighting the battle within, within our TV sets, get the troops back and wage war on these …very strong word… who have infiltrated our viewing listings and get paid ridiculous sums of money for doing so. We also in the UK (good word structure there) have people who are celebrities because they are celebrities having acquired the rank by doing jack sh!t and are still making money out of it, lots of money. (Thought to Nigel) New Years resolution become a celebrity and give up dream of being a writer.

    • Thanks for dropping by, Nigel!

      Hey, maybe you could do some diet singing with that Susan Boyle who won ‘your’ (UK’s) version of American Idol (okay, you had the original, but the Yankee version set the bar).

  5. Marc, this is a really fun read. I am not a TV person, but I just had to say thanks for the lively post. You have a wonderful writing voice and wit!

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