Food For Thought

While eating supper and the subsequent, required desert, I came across a seedless watermelon that you couldn’t take a decent sized bite without eating a dozen or more seeds. I do believe that manufacturers should be sued for false advertising every time someone opens one of those seedless watermelons and gets a major eyeful of seeds. And, about those miniature watermelons, also the seed-full seedless variety, should be under the auspices of the SPCMF (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Miniaturized Foods). So, who exactly should I sue?

If People Win Lawsuits for Walking Into Doors…

Why shouldn’t I be able to sue a food vendor, supplier and grower if what I purchased was not what was advertised? If left to their own devices, and never sued, these malicious food providers could soon be selling us fully hatched chicks as grade AAA eggs, and long past due-date hamburger meat as steak tartar. If sued for major punitive damages, loss of future income and a new-found fear of food, these malicious miscreants may just start providing us with seedless watermelons that have fewer, if not no seeds at all, and packages of fresh strawberries (trucked to Canada from Brazil) that have more that 1/3 of their contents not fully rotted.

Uhm, If You’re Not Going to Buy That…

A very scary thing happens in grocery stores, and you usually have to be there early in the day to see it happening. It happens in every major grocery store, and is one of the most gross aspects of the food supply chain. What could this be? Rampant disease spreading like wildfire! A gang of motorcycle grannies will paw through all of the fruits and vegetables, looking for something worth buying. They cough and sneeze, sometimes thinking to cover their mouths with their hands. They then reach into the fruits and berries, removing rotten or bad looking ones and replacing them with good pieces from other containers, closing the containers (when they can be bothered) for others to purchase their cast offs and their germs.

Home Cooking Delivered to Your Door!

If food’s delivered to your door, you are going to be sadly dejected when you see your delivered meal. The “Fresh Hamburger Platter” will be one of those frozen burgers with 20% “real meat and meat by-products”. It will most likely come with an old, dried out burger bun and a ratty tomato, wet and limp lettuce, and just enough onions, mustard, ketchup and relish to mask the taste of the food part of your dining experience.

And don’t forget that those “Fresh chickens, roasted right in the store” have been in the heated display case for at least 4 to 6 hours, and the bottoms of their containers normally have about a 1/4 of an inch of grease on their bottoms. All of that crispy, delicious chicken skin is all wet and stretchy by the time you serve it for supper.

Is There Any Recourse?

In the bigger grocery stores, you can actually complain to the fruits and vegetables supervisor or the store manager / assistant manager, and tell them the tale of the coughing, hacking gang of Hell’s Grannies. They will gladly go into the back and get you a package or two of the berries that are due to be placed on the shelves the following day. For seed-full seedless foods, the manager may look at you with a weird look on their face and call the looney bin, with nice, gently-used, pressed and clean white straight jacket in your future. Yeah! Free clothes!

Or, you could always grow, hunt and fish for your own food. But that takes a lot longer, and is a lot more expensive that buying the prefabricated foods from grocery stores. You have to drive to where the waters are clear and the fish are clean enough to eat, and where the buffalo roam. And, no, that’s not on the range.